Hysterectomy

I’ve had a hysterectomy.

I’ve joined a special club of women. The surgery went well – the physical healing process has progressed just as it should. I was thankful to be off of major pain medications 4 days after surgery. I know that there’s an emotional side to this that I’m just now circling.

I’ve never had children. When I was younger, I was raised with the concept that I’d find a husband, settle down and have babies. It took me a while to find my knight in shining armor. So when we had the discussion about having children, I wasn’t entirely sure I was physically able. I started the process by seeing an infertility specialist who told me he wasn’t sure I had ever ovulated and that I’d need an egg donor. The only other female in my family that was of a good egg age was my niece. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how THAT phone conversation would go…..

I cried on the way home.

The next few months after that doctor visit brought bushels of advice, stories, tears and prayer. Well-meaning friends told me that if I’d just lose weight, change my diet or put this special oil in my ears every night – that I’d get pregnant and have a child. I made a decision in the midst of it that God is the giver of life and I left it in His hands. On a fundamental level, I don’t believe we tell God how our life is going to be. I serve Him – He doesn’t serve me. If He gives me a child, I’ll be thankful. If God doesn’t, I will swallow hard and lean in for understanding.

Now I am leaning into a hard grace.

Barrenness always shows up with a friend named shame. I immediately closed the door to that. Shame is a familiar foe in my life and I don’t set a place for it at my table anymore.

I am trusting God in an entirely new place. It’s still new, unfamiliar and not comfortable at all. Isn’t real trust supposed to be that – uncomfortable? I know my Heavenly Father’s character, His history and heart. My trust is settled in that place.

I can tell you that easy, churchy answers don’t sit well with me right now. There are a few subjects that I just can’t pray for and I’m okay with that. Of all the things that I don’t know or understand, this is what I know:

Galatians 4:27
For it is written: “Be glad, barren woman, you who never bore a child; shout for joy and cry aloud, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband.”