Bare-Knuckle Trusting

I found myself in a place of trusting God – again.

Currently, I am in a 6 month diagnostic mammogram cycle. It isn’t the painful contortionistic positions that they put the girls through that gets me. “Hold your breath….don’t breathe….”

It’s the jarring memory of my Mother’s pain that puts me in a place I call bare knuckle trusting. My mother died from breast cancer and the path that I walked through that season has left quite a memory.

I pray for people who go through some truly difficult things and in light of their struggles – a couple hours of mammograms and ultrasounds is nothing. But for me, it’s filled with trust and “Hold your breath….don’t breathe….”

What I know deep down in the depth of who I am is this –

Everyone – E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E – comes to their own place of bare knuckle trusting God. Every person from Billy Graham to my spiritual son Billy will come to a place of having nothing else to hold on to but the integrity of God’s love and the strength of His Word. My scripture came from a dear praying friend – “Isaiah 33:24 No one living in Zion will say, ‘I am ill,’ and the sins of those who dwell there will be forgiven.” In the silence of the wait – which felt like a lifetime – I kept saying “No one living in Zion will say ‘I am ill.” You have to have your own scripture that connects to you and ignites your inner man. It’s your own handle to grab hold of. Sometimes, you don’t always find your own handle. You need a dear friend to say “here – grab hold of this.”

We’re in a season of trusting.

Today, I chose to trust that in the midst of “hold your breath….don’t breathe…” there was a God who wasn’t holding his breath – who was not shaken, disrupted or concerned. My God wasn’t leaving me alone or judging my emotions as a sign of the lack of faith. The God that I serve and have given my life to was loving me through this – meeting me exactly where I was.